Through the scars of His Mother I found meaning in my pain.
Amelia* is a student who joined us on our pilgrimage to Poland with college students. She shared with us the experience of finding the truth of her identity there.
I was wounded and broken. I didn’t know how to accept or make sense of the suffering in my life. Darkness and despair overwhelmed me; I didn’t believe my life was valuable anymore, or even worth living.
I’d been on many retreats, but nothing like this pilgrimage has so drastically changed my life. At the beginning of the trip, I felt so far from Jesus. I had a hard time praying; all I could feel was the weight of my sin and brokenness. When we arrived at Czestochowa, I saw how all the people flocked to our Mother’s protection. When I looked up at her face, I was moved by her scars. I got the sense that she was trying to tell me that these are her wounds of love, the wounds of her children, my wound, and that she is not ashamed to wear my wound, because it is a wound of love. I can embrace the truth that I have these scars, but they are not an obstacle for God. In fact, He radiates His love there.
I could relate to this wounded Mother. It opened my heart, and I went to confession. I began to see my suffering differently. I was able to see myself reflected in Our Lady of Czestochowa and in the history of Poland as a whole. I realized that everyone has crosses, but their suffering is not without meaning. Love finds meaning in suffering. Something in me shifted. I began to believe that maybe that was true for me too.
When I returned from Poland, I started to believe in my identity as a daughter of God. I found a sense of purpose again on the pilgrimage. I felt known and loved in a way I hadn’t experienced before. For the first time, I know that my life is a gift.
* Name changed for anonymity.
Originally printed in IMPRINT Magazine Fall 2019.
